How I Learned to Build Mental Endurance

I have so many thoughts to share and don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start by saying it’s been two weeks since being home as I write this and, well, it’s interesting to come back to real life. Overstimulating isn’t the right word and it’s certainly not overwhelming. It’s simply different. It’s different because all of a sudden I’m more aware of what’s happening around me and what’s happening in my mind. I noticed right off the bat how much of my mind’s energy is focused on two things: To-do lists and food. So much of my time and energy is spent on these two things. I’d like to think it’s just me. But I’m thinking it’s probably not. I assume because I’m self-employed I’m constantly thinking about when I’m going to get work done. What needs to get done? When am I going to send out my newsletter? What class am I going to audio record this month? What am I going to teach? What music playlist am I going to choose this week? On and on it goes. And I guess since I don’t work 9-5 and don’t have a regular schedule I am constantly thinking about when I’m going to eat, what I’m going to eat, who’s going to make it, will it be at home or at a restaurant, be by myself or with someone else and on and on it goes.

Realistically you’re all likely experiencing something like this every day (If you’re not, no need to read on). I don’t say that as a judgment or as something negative towards you or others. It’s just human nature. Our minds, by nature, are imaginative and love to wander. We love our imaginations and the places it can take us. Oh, to dream again is such a gift. Since we were little ones we dreamed and imagined what life could look like, who we wanted to be when you grew up and so on it went. Our mind can be so wonderfully creative, and yet, so frustrating, annoying and tiring. The constant chatter, the monkey mind, the to-do lists...it’s never ending. Why the heck can’t it shut up for once? I can’t be the only one thinking this, right? If only I can turn my mind off, THEN I’ll be able to meditate.

What I Learned in 10 Days of Silence

Letting Go of Misery

So here’s the thing. If we spend our efforts trying to turn the mind off and shut things out, it will consistently lead to more agitation and frustration. There is either some form of aversion to what’s currently happening in the mind or some sort of craving of bliss or peace that doesn’t exist at the present moment. And when one cannot accept the present moment, it can and likely will, lead to misery, unhappiness, sadness, frustration, or anger. Literally, we are fully capable of creating our own misery by wanting something we don’t have or disliking what’s right in front of us. This was really interesting to become aware of in my daily meditations. For example, I struggled to sit still. Surprise! A yoga teacher who can’t sit still. Have you noticed my body language when talking to me? One leg in tree pose, the other leg in tree pose, turning, shifting, always stretching. Pay attention next time we chat. You’ll see. Yoga teachers are actually the worst at sitting still. So at Vipassana I got a little, teeny bit competitive. I kept timing myself to see how long I could sit still and each time trying to do it for longer and longer. Ok, maybe I got “a lot” competitive. For 3 days this created a pretty miserable situation because I didn’t feel like I was making any progress and that I’d never be able to do this. I put aside my male ego and went to the teacher to ask for guidance. Unfortunately, Google Maps couldn’t pull me out of this one. When I went to speak with the teacher, within 5 minutes, I felt like a complete idiot. The teacher pointed out that it seemed like I was trying to achieve and accomplish some sort of physical feat and my internal response did it’s best Napoleon Dynamite impersonation...‘Duh. That’s obviously not what it’s about. C’mon Jaffer. Get it together. Idiot.’

This whole time I was trying to “achieve” Vipassana. Since Day 1, my only goal was to make it to the end and proudly, with a puffed out chest, say “I did it!” There was no doubt in my mind about leaving and not completing the course because I definitely did not want to face that shame. My ego wouldn’t be able to handle it. Instead, I was going to crush this. I was going to WIN! No. Matter. What. Enter misery.

Sometimes things can’t be that obvious. Hindsight is often 20/20. But for whatever reason, we get pulled in the wrong direction. Down the wrong path and we don’t even know it. We don’t always see as clearly as we think we do. Craving the egotistical satisfaction of “doing” Vipassana was all I wanted. And then it clicked.

Mindset Wins Championships

The teacher pointed out to me that this is a test of mental endurance, not a physical feat to accomplish, and it clicked for me immediately. As a sports guy it made so much sense! Tom Brady isn’t the best athlete in the world but his focus and his determination can’t be beat. His mentality is what drives him and makes him successful. I hear it all the time. Talent can only take you so far. Talent alone doesn’t win championships. Look no further than my hometown team. The Toronto Raptors won the 2019 NBA title because of their mindset. It was evident to anyone who watched the games or listened to the players speak throughout the playoffs. You could see how mentally tough this team was. They never got too high or too low. Kawhi Leonard always spoke about being in the moment and enjoying the present. I’m going to paraphrase the quote here and hope my memory serves me correctly, but I remember, after a loss on the road a reporter asked Kawhi “where do you go from here?” The reporter was implying as a team what will be different next game and going forward. Kawhi’s response was amazing and hilarious to everyone but him. With a calm, stoic demeanour he replies “We get on a plane and go back to Toronto.” Classic Kawhi. The reporter didn’t know how to follow that up and, well, Vipassana was starting to make a whole lot of sense to me.

Am I Enlightened Now?

My breakthrough moment came on the 8th day when I had my first hour long sit without moving or changing my posture for the entire time. It felt so liberating and I was so excited. I couldn’t believe it to be honest. When the gong went off I was actually surprised because I didn’t realize an hour had gone by. So I celebrated that moment briefly but I was also cautious not to crave the same sensation again. If I went into the next sitting with the expectation of getting through it all in one position it would be a craving for something that wasn’t present and, again, I’d be miserable. I’d be right back to where I started. Crazy how that works, right? It’s like when the Raptors won big playoff games they NEVER celebrated. We only saw them celebrate and smile when a series was finished or when they won it all. The rest of the time they were calm, present, focused on the task at hand. It was a test of mental endurance. It was their mindset to put each win behind them and approach the next game with a blank slate. This was an important teaching throughout my 10 days. To be aware and to be equanimous. Balanced. Never too high. Never too low. Develop the ability to be calm and present in any situation.

The Law of Nature

It’s very similar to how I approach, practice and teach yoga. It’s not something to complete and it’s not something to get good at. It’s different every day. Each experience is different than the last. Vipassana so wonderfully points us in the direction of nature. The law of nature is the law of impermanence. It’s constantly changing. Moment to moment. Always changing. This teaching was repeated over and over. Each meditation, each sit, would be different - changing, moment to moment, always changing. The work was to focus and sharpen the mind so that each time it wandered off, to smilingly and enthusiastically bring it back to focus on the breath and the sensations in the physical body. The work was to remain non-reactive to what was happening in the mind and body during each sit. It was really quite simple and uncomplicated. Be aware and equanimous. Balanced. Observe. Free of cravings. Free of aversions. Just be. It’s not a practice to achieve or to accomplish. It’s not a practice that is ever complete or finished.

“Keep trying. Keep working. Diligently, diligently. Patiently and persistently. You are bound to be successful. You are bound to be successful.”

These words were often repeated throughout the course and I loved them so much. It can be applied to ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING! The 10 day course was just the foundation. We dug the hole and poured in the cement. But the house is not built. The work is up to the individual. I am my own master. Coming home I’m committed to maintaining this practice. 2 hours a day is what they outline as the bare minimum. An hour in the morning. An hour in the evening. The evening meditation is often the hardest but the teacher suggested that it's best to do your evening meditation around 4pm. The later you go the harder it will be. I found the teachers to be very encouraging and supportive of people’s household lives while explaining the importance of maintaining the practice. The course is presented in a manner that caters to a busy lifestyle as opposed to expecting everybody to live like a monk in a monastery. I am my own master and it’s up to me to work it out and create the space in my life to honour this and continue to do the work.

It sounds crazy. It sounds impossible. I know. Many of you are saying “I could never do that” and trust me, so am I. However, I owe it to myself to push my practice further and give it an honest try so that I can be a better person. More loving. More compassionate. To myself. To my family. To students. To everyone around me.

Endless Love and Compassion

At one point I couldn’t believe I was learning something that was so valuable, was being fed amazing and delicious food and given a place to sleep for NO COST! The entire program and tradition of Vipassana is paid for through donations of students who have completed the course. Only after you make it through 10 days can you offer any sort of financial contribution. It simply won’t be accepted until then. It’s unbelievable. You’d think it’s not possible, and yet, it is. The love and compassion felt by everyone was incredible. The people making the food and serving us were old students who had previously completed the course and volunteered as a way to give back. They also participated in the course, the silence, the meditations, all of it. It was pretty amazing. I feel so grateful. So humbled. I really enjoyed my time. It wasn’t easy but I learned a lot. I gained valuable insight and I would do it again. I will do it again.

Finally, A Tale of Caution

My journey leading up to Vipassana felt like I had been building this highway of personal development since 2010. After completing the 10 days it felt like that highway just got a MAJOR extension. From 2010-2019 I’ve been chipping away, chipping away, piece by piece, at old traumas, old habits, old patterns and ways of being. Yoga has been a big part of that but also courses like Landmark Education, therapy, floating, reading books on spirituality and self-help, working on my sit down meditation practice for several years prior, all contributed to my time at Vipassana being a positive experience. I would not recommend this if you don’t have some form of foundational personal development history. This experience would have been COMPLETELY different if had not had the foundation that I had going into it. Don’t go into it blind. Don’t go cold turkey. It won’t be pleasant. I thought about Vipassana for several years and was even on a couple waiting lists the last few before I finally committed to taking this step. Be patient with yourself and your own journey. It will guide you where you need to go.

Namaste :)